The Worst (and Best) Thing I Ever Bought on Ebay

I have bought lots of things on Ebay over the years.  Most of the items have been exactly as advertised and I have come by some fantastic deals and items that I would not have been able to get anywhere else.

However, there is one item that was far from this standard, but was so incredibly bad that it has to be one of the funniest items I've ever seen.

Now, this isn't like those XBox boxes that people spend $300 to buy and then realized they literally bought the box that the XBox came in.  It's not that bad, and I really can't say that it was entirely fraudulent, although it was certainly not the most forthcoming seller ever.

I wanted to purchase for my wife the entire West Wing collection on DVD.  When we first started dating, the West Wing was a weekly date night for us.  We would usually have dinner and then return to her house and watch the West Wing together (with lots of kissing during commercials for good measure).  For Christmas that first year, we each bought each other the first season of the show on DVD.  Of course, if you have ever looked at the price for the entire series, it is quite expensive.  So, I perused the wonderful world of eBay in order to find a deal.  Most of the items were listed at or near the retail price for the series collection.  However, there was one collection that was very reasonable.  There were some things that raised some questions in my mind -- not the least of which being the Chinese lettering above the title.  The seller assured me that the unopened package was (or at least appeared to be) what it purported to be.  So I placed a bid.

At first, the bids remained very low.  It looked as if I was going to get this import (counterfeit) for a steal.  However, at the last minute, the bidding went a little crazy.  I hesitated before raising my bid limit, but I really wanted to get this for my wife and it was still cheaper than I could get it anywhere else, although it was becoming far from a steal.  I ended up paying $75 for the collection -- still not terribly bad for 7 seasons of a television show.  Well, that is if it proved to be what it was advertised to be.

The large box arrived in time for my wife's birthday.  I was very excited about it and wrapped it up nicely for her.  When she opened it, she was very happy with my purchase at first, but then had a confused look on her face -- why were there Chinese characters on the front of the collection?  Were these even in English?

As we opened the box it got worse -- There were seemingly hundreds of DVD's none of which were labeled.  They did have the West Wing labels from each season on the DVD's, but no indication as to which disc was from which season and in what order the discs were.  We decided to put in the first disc and see what it did.  It did have the first episodes from the first season, however, there were English subtitles.  No problem, we just went to the disc menu and took off the subtitles.  No dice.  Subtitles remained.

OK, so there is a problem.  Can't get the subtitles off.  But the episodes were there.  The language selections were also interesting.  We had the following subtitle choices: English (check); Portuguese (interesting choice); Chinese (I think); and what I can only guess is Korean (?).  Unfortunately, the audio was only in English, because it would have been great to hear them speaking in Korean, well, at least I would have thought this was interesting.

As my wife became less and less impressed with my bargain online shopping, I decided to do my best to make the most of the situation and label the discs.  This involved a painstaking process of bringing up each individual menu on each individual disc and then labeling which episodes were on which disc.  However, everything worked.  Well, except for the last season.  That was in the wrong format for U.S. televisions.  But, we can watch it all we want in Europe.

It wasn't until later that we discovered the best part of my purchase.  This was included on the back of the very large velvet lined box in which the discs came.  In the great tradition of Chinese counterfeiters, the makers of this particular collection cut and pasted things from various sources in order to describe the contents of the package.  This sometimes leads to interesting spellings and grammar such as a knock-off of the upside down tomato grower I found at a flea market which had apparently been spelled phonetically by the counterfeiter as it listed the product as the "Topsy Tourey".  It also leads to some great product descriptions such as "Super Fantastic Fire Making Device for Crazy Lucky American Capitalist Smoking Cowboy Man" for a cigarette lighter.

On this collection this is how this manifested (this is funnier if you say it aloud in a fake Chinese accent) (formatting and grammar mistakes from the original):

"Special Features: Lauren Bacall Hosts You Must Remember This: A Tribute to Casablanca;A spellbinding Backstage Tour  Bacall on Bogart Features the Award -Bunny and the Looney Tunes Gang Premiere  Episode Who Holds Tomorrow?From the 1955 TV Series Adaptation of Casablanca Screed Guild Players Radio Production of Casabl anca Feature The Film's 3 Top-Billed Stars Scoring Session Outtakes Gallery  Production History Gallery Includes Photos,Press Materials,Studio Correspondence,Memorabilia And More."

But, if you thought that was all, wait...we've got more!  Apparently in other countries the television series "The West Wing" was actually an action film.  I had no idea of this, but just check out the following from my exclusive one of a kind collection:

FRANCHISE PICTURES PRESENTES A RENNY HARLIN FILM: SYLVESTER STALLONE "THE WEST WING" BURT REYNOLDS, KIP PARDUE, TIL SCIWEIGER, GINA GERSHON, ESTELLA WARREN, CRISTIAN DE LA FUENTE, MUSIC BY BT LINE PRODUCER MARY MCLEOD, CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS REBECCA SPIKINGS, TRACEE STANLEY, EDITED BY STUART LEVY AND STEVE GILSON, PRODUCTION DESIGNER CHARLES WOOD, DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY MAURO FIORE, EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS ANDREW STEVENS, DON CARMODY, KEVIN KING, PRODUCED BY ELIE SAMAHA, SYLVESTER STALLONE, RENNY HARLIN, STORY BY JAN SKRENTNY AND NEAL TAVACHNICK, SCREENPLAY BY SYLVESTER STALLONE, DIRECTED BY RENNY HARLIN.

Oh, and apparently it is rated PG-13 (PG in Canada)

I don't know about you, but I had no idea that Sylvester Stallone played such a prominent role in the West Wing.  I think that Aaron Sorkin has some explaining to do.

Anyway, most of the discs play just fine.  One day we'll make the investment in the non-felonious version of the series collection.

By the way, e-mails to the seller went unreturned.  A negative review was left, and I never bought any other DVD's on eBay.  It did make for a good laugh though.

May 8, 2012 -- VE day (Victory for Equality)

May 8 has been since 1945 known as VE day since that was the day in which the Nazis finally surrendered to Allied forces in Europe.  May 8, 2012 is a chance for the forces of good once again to strike a blow for freedom and equality in North Carolina by defeating the ill-conceived, divisive and ignorant proposed constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. 

It is my honest hope that this will happen.  But, I'd also like to encourage everyone to use this as an opportunity to completely screw with the GOP majority in both houses of the NC General Assembly who put this travesty on the ballot to begin with.

Although they are claiming (without blushing) that they put it on the primary ballot in May instead of November to avoid the appearance that they were trying to boost Republican turnout in November's presidential and gubernatorial elections, the simple fact is that it was placed on in May for purely political reasons.  There is a Republican presidential primary in 2012, while President Obama will be unopposed in his re-election campaign.  Furthermore the race for Governor will also almost certainly have several Republicans vying to replace Bev Perdue who will probably not be opposed in a primary.

It isn't terribly difficult to see the cynicism and political brinkmanship the GOP is employing in placing this measure on a ballot where they are certain to have an overwhelming advantage, since Republicans will have a reason other than the constitutional amendment to turn out to vote, while Democrats will not.

So, let's screw with them.  Seriously, cynically, screw-tacularly mess them up and show that we are tired of the political games we have seen in the past year coming out of Raleigh.

It's not that hard, really.  Here's what I am proposing:

1.  North Carolina has open primaries.  That is, that Independents can vote in either party's primary. 

2.  If you are a Republican and you oppose the gay marriage amendment, I applaud you and hope that your voice will become louder in your party.  There is nothing you have to do except turn up and vote as you already would.

3.  If you are a Democrat and you oppose the gay marriage amendment (I'm hoping it's most of you, but we are in North Carolina after all), switch your party affiliation (it's ok, you can switch it back later) to Unaffiliated prior to the May 8 primary.

4.  For all of you who are already registered unaffiliated and for all of you newly minted former Democrats who are now registered as unaffiliated, simply go to the polls on May 8 and request a Republican ballot.

5.  Vote against the amendment as you would have done anyway.

6.  (Here's the good part).  There are plenty of crazy mother****ers running for everything in the Republican Party.  Most of these will still be plugging along in the primaries come next May.  So, by all means vote for the craziest mother****er you can for every position.  For President I suggest either Ron Paul, Michele Bachmann or Herman Cain (there's also the gay guy who is running for the Republican presidential nomination -- I don't know his name, but wouldn't it be great if he won the NC primary?).  For Governor there is always more than a few crackpots trying to get the nomination, usually someone whose entire platform would require homeschooling and institute some Congregational sect as the official state church of the State -- vote for them.  Continue for any and all other positions on the ballot.

If enough people in North Carolina do this, the state's GOP could actually end up destroying their own chances of victory in every state race in November, not to mention the fact that it could really screw up their Presidential nomination process.

It would serve them right.  Since the North Carolina GOP took control of the NC House of Representatives for the first time in 141 years they have used it as an opportunity to institute a program of radical socially conservative policies which have turned back the clock of progress in North Carolina decades.  Instead of focusing on jobs as they promised, they have spent their time attacking women, abortion rights, education, the poor, teachers, unions, state employees and any other group they saw as being "the other."  It is my hope that their insane agenda will lead them to be turned out of power for another 141 years at least.

How many of you are willing to do this?  I am already registered as unaffiliated, and I plan on carrying out my plan for myself.  Let's unite and work together to make May 8, 2012 a true Victory for Equality and a slap in the face of political cynicism!

My Memories of 9/11

It seems that everyone is writing about their memories of September 11, 2001 everywhere.  Newspapers were filled with reporters remembrances of where they were and what they were doing on that fateful day.  Facebook and Twitter were filled with statuses (stati?) talking about each individual's experiences on that day.  Online sites listed members posts about loved ones touched by that day.

So, I thought I would share my own memories.  However, as I sat down to think about this, I discovered that really, my experiences were not that different than most people's that day.  I heard about the attacks, went back to my office and spent the day watching in horror as the events unfolded, went home and drank a lot.  That's more or less what most Americans did that day -- at least those who were not touched directly by the attacks by either being present at one of the sites attacked that day or by losing loved ones in the attacks.

But what I didn't see many people talking about was the odd emotions that swept through the remainder of that week and in the months following the attacks.  That is what I wanted to write about here.

Like many Americans my first reaction to the attacks was one of rage.  Anger gripped me almost immediately and the feeling was that we had to strike back at those who did this immediately and overwhelmingly.  As was the case everywhere, this anger mixed with a newly found Nationalism that fueled an unacceptable level of nonchalance toward U.S. government abuses over the next several years.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After the anger subsided somewhat, what overcame me was an unbelievable feeling of sadness.  The picture on every channel was of the newly christened "Ground Zero".  Death, destruction and mourning was all that one saw everywhere.  How soon we forget the countless fliers with pictures of missing friends or relatives that were hung all around Manhattan hoping beyond hope that someone would come and say that the person on the flyer was found alive.  But those calls never came.

What was even odder was the fact that we had to go on with our lives as normal.  We got up on September 12 and went to work and tried as best we could to go about our business.  But, how were we supposed to act?  Do we act as if nothing happened?  Do we walk around as if in mourning?  Is it ok to laugh?

A couple of days after, I went to a previously scheduled wine pairing dinner at a local restaurant.  The featured speaker from the winery was not able to attend due to being stuck in Chicago and having all commercial air traffic still grounded.  I was there with a number of local businesspeople, attorneys, doctors and judges.  I swear to God, nobody knew what to do.  The typical banter and small talk that I am always uncomfortable with anyway was missing from this particular evening.  Even though every American had this new shared experience, it was like we had forgotten how to communicate comfortably.  It was as if we were students on the first day of grammar school, uneasily approaching each other, waiting for the other to break the ice.  Eventually, conversation commenced with the usual insincere politeness, but still this had to be one of the oddest experiences of my life.

Young people might not yet really understand this, but September 11, 2001 was pre-Facebook.  There were some social network-like sites out there, but generally this type of instant communication and shared openness about everything in your life was not the norm back then.  I mention this because I experienced for the first time the potential of such new media in the days and weeks following 9/11.  Leo, a firefighter with the FDNY and I person I knew only from  the Black 47 message board, was not on duty that Tuesday morning.  However, he had been called to the scene shortly after and was participating in the clean-up and rescue operations following that awful day.  Cell phone service was down in New York, as were land lines in lower Manhattan.  There were no smart phones then, at least as we knew them.  People generally did not text each other (why would you type on a phone when you can just call the person?).  After countless hours at Ground Zero with the stench of death surrounding him, breathing in noxious smoke and debris, Leo was able to get to a working online computer.  The only way he could think to let everyone know he was ok was to post it on the Black 47 message board.  Seeing this, other fans of the band got in touch with his family to let them know that he was ok and would be in touch as soon as he could.  It was pretty incredible to play a tangential role in this experience and it forecast the amazing power of social media that would go on to within less than a decade help organize revolution across the globe.

Leo went on to post more on that message board.  He gave a gripping account of what he was experiencing as he and his fellow firefighters dug through the remains of the World Trade Center.  He wrote with heartbreaking detail the sights, sounds and emotions that surrounded him as he searched in vain for his fellow firefighters.  He wrote what it was like to attend so many funerals in such a short period of time, each one for someone with whom he was friends and for whom he would give his life without hesitation, and how the sound of the bagpipe, which he had enjoyed in celebration his entire life, was now a sound he dreaded hearing.  He encouraged those in the NYC area to attend the funerals since there were not enough firefighters to show up en masse as the practice for a firefighters' funeral, especially one who died in the line of duty.

What was coming through most in these posts was an overwhelming fatigue.  It was a fatigue which many of us felt in the weeks following 9/11.  Although we weren't literally sifting through human remains as were the teams at Ground Zero, we were dealing with what were almost unthinkable attacks and the unfamiliar emotions that they wrought.  It was as if we were all in a daze.

About three weeks after the attacks, my ex-wife and I were planning to attend a Black 47 concert in Baltimore.  We had plane reservations and were staying with her friends in the area.  Obviously following the attacks, our plane reservations didn't make it through.  Although air service was back in place, flights were so overloaded and routes so limited, that our flight was canceled.  We drove to Baltimore and got ready for the show.  At the outset, it was very much like the dinner I attended a few days after the attacks.  There was a sense of uneasiness still among the crowd.  We enjoyed the opening act -- O'Malley's March, led by then-Mayor of Baltimore (now Governor of Maryland) Martin O'Malley.  Black 47 took the stage probably around 11 or so.  The experience was quite frankly cathartic.  This mix of Irish immigrants and native New Yorkers put out such positive electrifying pure emotion that it finally gave me the excuse to let loose and simply celebrate life.  The lead singer Larry Kirwan had watched the sad events of 9/11 transpire in person from the roof of his apartment in The Bronx.  He saw victims jump from the towers in one last desperate attempt to escape the flames, or perhaps one last act of defiance against those who sought to take their life against their will.  The band lost many fans and friends in the towers' collapse, notable amongst them Father Mychal Judge, whose death certificate was numbered the first among those killed on that awful day.  But despite their first hand experiences and their immediate losses on that day, they gave us permission to live again and to go on with our lives, perhaps with a new appreciation of everything we had.

In the years since, there have been many reasons to celebrate and to mourn.  I have seen illness, addiction, divorce, death, depression, eventually though leading to healing, spiritual rebirth, love, marriage and the birth of my daughter who has given me an entirely new view of life and more reasons to smile every day than I probably had cumulatively in my life prior to her birth.  Three years after the events of September 11, 2001, a close friend of my wife (then my newly engaged fiancee) gave birth to a son.  Although they had hoped that the child would not be born on such a day of loss and mourning, it was in a way the greatest example of the healing and rebirth that I and hopefully the country as a whole had experienced -- that this would now be a day of celebration of new life and of the possibilities brought about by the best in humanity rather than a remembrance of what the worst in humanity can bring.  That is how I choose to remember 9/11 and to live my life, celebrating whenever I can and doing my best to overlook all who would try to bring me down.