OK. Enough with the freakin' downers, Ditz! So, turning from the economy to Sports.
I am taking on the great endeavor to fix everything wrong that I see with several sports. These range from simple fixes like my proposal for college lacrosse to massive re-works such as my proposal for college football. This should in a perfect world make me the commissioner of all sports and thereby get me free passes to any game I want to see.
So here goes.
College Lacrosse.
Those of you not in Syracuse probably don't give a shit about this one, but those of us who are from Syracuse do. College lacrosse when played correctly is the most exciting sport in the world to watch. What is wrong with the sport is that this year everyone stopped playing it correctly and the rules of the sport allowed them to do so.
What happened this year is that everyone (well, almost everyone -- there were some schools like Denver that actually played us straight up) figured out that they weren't going to beat Syracuse this year unless they literally sat on the ball. And they sat on the ball all freaking game long. Syracuse never had scores of 5-4 or 7-6, but these scores were a regular occurrence this season, as it seemed every week Syracuse's opponent would employ the lacrosse version of the four corners offense. It was ugly to watch and sparked a lot of both criticism and suggestions for changes to rules in the future.
Most of the suggestions involved the introduction of some sort of shot clock. However, I don't think this is necessary. I think the solution is a very simple one, and I am a little surprised that I haven't heard it come from anyone else.
Currently in lacrosse, if the offensive team makes no real effort to score after a certain amount of time they are given a stall warning. The problem with the stall warning is that it really doesn't have any punishment to it. All the stall warning says is that you have to keep the ball in the offensive box and once it leaves the offensive box it is a turnover. What is the most incredible about this is that if you take a shot and miss and you have the shot backed up by one of your players (which you almost certainly will since you are stalling), you get the ball back when it goes out of bounds and simply have to keep playing under the previously called stall warning.
My fix: once the stall warning is in effect, you only get one shot. If you miss and the ball goes out of bounds, it is a turnover and the other team gets the ball. This won't stop a team from stalling, but it will make stalling much less effective and will not allow for stalls that seem to last for an entire quarter or more. The other result: Syracuse wins National Championship after National Championship after National Championship. It sounds like a win-win to me.
College Football
This is the biggie. Probably because college football is the most hideously rigged sport in the world. I know of no other sport where it is decided before any team steps on the field that probably 80% or more of the teams competing will have no chance of winning the national championship.
The BCS system is completely broken and there is no way to fix it other than to completely do away with it entirely. It is ruining not only college football but it is killing every other college sport as conferences go on feeding binges devouring other conferences in an effort to make their conference the strongest in the BCS equation so that they can make the most money possible for their universities. So we end up, for instance, with such basketball powerhouses as South Florida and Texas Christian playing in the Big East because the football conference needs them.
Don't buy any of the garbage that preserving the bowl system is about tradition or not having a playoff which would interfere with exam schedules is for the student athlete's interests. Bull. This is about money. Plain and simple. The NCAA stopped caring about student athletes a long, long time ago. Universities see their student athletes as one thing and one thing only -- a commodity which can be exploited to make the university bundles and bundles of moolah.
So, let's cut the crap. I have come up with a way in which college football can keep being as exciting as it has always been (and even more so) and still keep the greedy bastards in the conferences and administration buildings across the nation happy.
I actually first thought of this idea when I saw European soccer fans celebrating madly over the fact that their team had not won a championship, but had simply qualified to play in the premier league the following year. So, here goes.
The current conference system will be completely disbanded for college football. Instead there will be a Premier League consisting of 64 teams divided into four regional conferences, each with two divisions of 8 teams. Each team will play every other team in their division, plus two or three in the other division of their regional conference. There will also be two to three games played at large, which will most likely be against teams from the non-premier league. At the end of the season the top team from each 8 team division will play against the other top team from their regional conference. The winner of those games will go to the "Final Four" with the winners of those going to the National Championship. This means that there will be no computers, no opinions, no polls, no nothing deciding who is the best team in the country other than the play on the field.
Now, here comes the exciting part. Along with the Premier League of 64 teams, the other Division I teams will be playing full schedules as well. At the end of each year, the 8 last place teams in the 8 divisions will have to compete against the top 8 teams selected from the lower division in double-elimination tournament. The 8 teams that survive will play in the Premier League the next year, and the 8 teams that are eliminated will fall to the second division.
This will never happen of course, because nobody would want to be responsible for their school falling into the second division. However, this would be incredibly exciting for every fan and for every team and would save college football.
Professional Baseball
Tweaks have been made in baseball over the years to try to speed the game up. I still find it incredibly boring. But there you have it.
The only thing that needs to be done in Major League Baseball is to put in a salary cap so that the Pittsburgh Pirates actually have a chance at some point to win another World Series. Seriously. There should not be a system where an entire team's payroll is less than one player's salary on the New York Yankees. Salary caps work. They make the game exciting and level the playing field. Everyone else has one, it is time baseball did too.
Professional Football
Give the players what they want and go back to work! Oh, and overtime should be a 15 minute quarter. No sudden death, no college you get the ball at the 25 yard-line and then the other team gets the ball at the 25 yard line. Play until the final gun and if it is a tie, it is a tie.
Professional Basketball
Anyone whose shooting percentage drops below 35% should be sent to the D-League for remedial training. I can't stand to watch brick after brick after brick after brick. Wow, so and so scored 30 points -- well, yeah, he shot 15 for 50. Go home!
College Basketball
Get rid of the closely-guarded 5 second call. Unless the ball is actually tied up for 5 seconds, get rid of it. I hate this judgment call of how close the defender has to be, and seeing someone called for 5 seconds when they are dribbling just drives me crazy. It is not necessary since we have the 35 second clock. Just get rid of the rule.
The other thing -- flopping should be a foul. If you fall backwards trying to draw a foul, you should be called for a foul and the offensive team should get two free throws. This would insure that Duke never wins another National Championship.
Curling
Yup, I'm going there.
Curling has to be the dumbest sport ever invented. Sports simply shouldn't involve a broom. Ever.
However, this came to me in a dream and I think that with my suggestions, curling could become a rage across all of North America and maybe the world. What I suggest is we combine curling with the best attributes of roller derby and beach volleyball. This means that we have skimpy costumes (you can put some glitter on if you like, it is on ice after all) but along with that, we add the violence. Imagine how much more exciting it will be if the guy with the broom trying to get the big heavy thing into the bullseye looking thing would have to look out for blockers and if he wasn't careful -- BAM! -- he's taken out at the knees collapsing to the ice by a well placed kick to the back of the knees by a bikini-clad blocker. I'm telling you this would work. Sex, violence and sweeping. It can't miss.
I really have to get a grip on my subconscience.
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