Black and Blue Christmas

I apologize to my loyal followers (all nine or so of you) for my lack of writing lately. Besides being busy with work and family and you know those things, I have been working on a rather lengthy and guaranteed to bore you to tears piece on the various economic alternatives to austerity that have been employed successfully world-wide. That is turning into a small book rather than a blog post, but it should be done sometime this century (actually probably later this week).

Until that is done, though, since 'tis the Season, I will turn back to musicality and run down some of my all time favorite depressing Christmas songs. Christmas usually somewhat brings out the melancholy in me. Perhaps it's the shorter days, the extra time to reflect on the past year and all its foibles, or pehaps the stress of planning excursions and trips, but I tend to gravitate toward the sadder Christmas music rather than the Radio City Music Hall, Hooray For Everything kind of music.

Here's a List of my favorites that I have actually compiled on a CD.  Enjoy.

"Christmas Time Is Here," Charlie Brown Christmas - There's nothing really sad about this song that opens what is probably the best Christmas television special of all time, but the tone of the song is actually quite sad. It goes along with one of the themes in the special, that Charlie Brown gets depressed around Christmas time and is saddened further by all of the commercialization of the Season (for me, however, the commercialization creates one of the best entertainments of the Season making it somewhat bearable). There have actually been some great covers of this, most especially by Diana Krall, but the original makes the top of my list of sad Christmas songs.

"Christmas In Prison," John Prine - There are very few American songwriters that have both the musical and literary talent of John Prine. Some of his songs, of course, are classics such as "Hello In There," but his style of writing songs with protagonists drawn from the down and out heartland of America lends itself perfectly to the type of Christmas song I like. "Christmas in Prison" is obviously written from the point of view of a prisoner spending another long Christmas alone thinking of his love who he may never see again in this lifetime. The first verse captures the mood perfectly: "It was Christmas in prison and the food was real good/We had turkeys and pistols carved out of wood/And I dream of her always even when I don't dream/Her name's on my tongue and her blood's in my stream."

"Merry Christmas From the Family," Robert Earl Keen - This is the ultimate redneck Christmas song. It's been covered by many other acts, even recently. But the covers seem to make fun of the people in the song, whereas Keen's more low key treatment on the original, although funny as hell, actually leaves the listener with a very warm feeling about the song's subject. The song starts out understandably enough with a lot of drinking "Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk at our Christmas party/We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog/Little sister brought her new boyfriend/He was a Mexican/We didn't know what to think of him until he sang Felis Navidad, Felis Navidad." And of course you have to love any song that mentions tampons not once, but twice. Hallelujah everybody say "Cheese" it's Merry Christmas from the family."

"Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas," John Denver - You would think this was a comedy song from its title, but after hearing the first line, you see that it's not. "Please Daddy don't get drunk this Christmas, I don't want to see my Momma cry". Yup, this song comes from a dark, dark place. The song is through the eyes of a seven-year-old relating the memory of his father coming home Christmas Eve drunk, falling down under the Christmas tree and Mommy telling the child he better get upstairs as Daddy yells "Merry Christmas" and he sees his mother trying to hide her tears. If you relate to this song, I am very, very sorry.

"Slippers With Wings," - The New Hinkle Family Singers - This is a traditional song that has been done by many artists, but this version was the only one I could find for free and I would simply not spend money on what may be the most depressing Christmas song of all time. I first heard this song on the WNCW bluegrass/old timey music show "This Old Porch" one Christmas Eve. The dude on "This Old Porch" likes Christmas songs that make mine seem downright cheerful. This one put me over the edge. It is about a family who adopts a crippled child at age 3. The child is never well but keeps a positive attitude and tells her puppy dog about these slippers with wings that will allow her to play with all the other children. She asks for them for Christmas but isn't disappointed when they don't come. Then one Christmas Eve, SHE DIES! But of course, it's ok, because now Jesus gives her slippers with wings in heaven. I'm sorry. Excuse my while I go slit my wrists in the egg nog bowl.

"Father Christmas," The Kinks - This is one of the classic rock n roll Christmas songs. It's about a bunch of young punks in London who essentially mug Santa Claus. The chorus: "Father Christmas give us some money/Don't mess around with your silly toys/We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over/We want your bread so don't make us annoyed/Give all the toys to the little rich boys."

"I Believe In Father Christmas," Greg Lake - This is a beautiful song. Really. It is. But it's also really depressing. Greg Lake, the lead singer of Emerson, Lake and Palmer, wrote this little ditty about an adult reflecting on his childhood innocence while at the same time finding that that innocence has been lost. "They sold me a tale of Christmas/They sold me a Silent Night/They sold me a fairy story/Til I believed in the Israelite". It ends ultimately with the trueism "Hallelujah Noel be it Heaven or Hell/The Christmas we get we deserve."
"Happy Christmas (War Is Over)," John Lennon - You hear this one more and more on the radio each year. I even hear it in department stores. I don't think that it really fits in with Frosty and Rudolph though, even though it seems to get the same treatment. Lennon in usual fashion attacks the materialism and corporatism that Christmas seems to have come to represent. "And so this is Christmas/And what have you done?/Another year over/A new one just begun." Again, I don't think Wal-Mart really understands what they are playing in their stores when you look at the line "And so this is Christmas/For weak and for strong/For rich and the poor ones/The world is so wrong/And so happy Christmas/For black and for white/For yellow and red ones/Let's stop all the fight." The best part of the song of course is the children's choir singing along with Yoko Ono "War is over if you want it." A more appropriate song there couldn't be for our times.

"The Christians and the Pagans," Dar Williams - This may have become my favorite Christmas song. I just love everything about it so much. The song is about two friends (I've always pictured them as a Lesbian couple although it's not perfectly clear in the song) who are celebrating Solstice and one of them calls their uncle to see if they can come spend some time with the family. The uncle says in reply "It's Christmas Eve, I know our life is not your style,"/She said "Christmas is like Solstice, and we miss you and it's been a while." This goes into the chorus "So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table/Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able." There are some hilarious parts of this song that are inevitable in the unexpected visit of your Pagan lesbian niece and her lover on Christmas Eve. Ultimately the song is one that is absolutely beautiful and in many ways shows exactly what Christmas (and Solstice for that matter) is all about. It's a rare song that leaves me both smiling and in tears when I hear it. This is one of them.

"Christmas Wrapping," The Waitresses - The Waitresses are best known for their early 80s flirty trashy hit "I Know What Boys Like," but their Christmas song has remained popular over the years as well. It has taken on a rather sad note after the passing of their lead singer some years back from cancer. But the song fits into our motif well in that it is about simply being too busy for Christmas since all of 1981 has been a blur and she simply hasn't got time to prepare and celebrate even though Christmas is her favorite holiday. "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas/ But I think I'll miss this one this year." Eventually by the end of the song, she finds solace in a kindred soul and celebrates after all "Merry Christmas Merry Christmas/I couldn't miss this one this year."

"Hannukah Song," Adam Sandler - Not many songs about Hannukah. But Adam Sandler delivered a classic in this one listing a great series of awesome Jews that celebrate Hannukah. OJ Simpson isn't a Jew, but guess who is? Hall of Famer Rod Carew (he converted).

"On Christmas I Got Nothing," Chuck Brodsky - I've actually heard people criticise this song for being anti-Semitic. Really? Dude, the songwriter is Jewish for crying out loud. Chuck Brodsky is one of my favorite songwriters and is local as well, now living in the Asheville area. He is best known for his baseball songs such as "Letters in the Dirt," or "Doc Ellis, No-no." But this Christmas song about how he got nothing on Christmas because "We were jews" is both hilarious and a great song as well. It also is a little sad as you feel for the kid who is surrounded by Christians who are getting all sorts of great stuff for no apparent reason other than they are Christians and he is stuck getting nothing. It does end with a jab (and really an inside self-depricating joke) when one of his friends gets a shiny new horn to which Brodsky replies "Horns, oy, I already got some..."

"Fairytale of New York," The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl - The ultimate Irish drunken Christmas song. Nothing says Christmas Cheer like hearing Shane MacGowen prattle on semi-itelligibly about, well, your guess is as good as mine. Well, that is unless you combine it with Kirsty MacColl spitting insults back at him. It starts out in classic Pogues fashion "It was Christmas Eve babe/In the drunk tank/An old man said to me won't see another one." The lovers get into an insult match at one point "You're a bum/You're a punk/You're an old slut on junk/Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed/You scumbag, you maggot/You cheap lousy faggot/Happy Christmas your arse/I pray God it's our last." This is followed up with the chorus "The boys of the NYPD choir were singing "Galway Bay"/As the bells were ringing out on Christmas Day." Just another happy family get together at the pub on the corner in NYC.

"Christmas in Cooperstown," Dana "Short Order" Cooke - This was on a collection of Baseball songs I once owned. It's a great song by a singer of whom I had never heard even though he hails from my hometown of Syracuse. The gist of the song is that if anybody ever tells you that Christmas isn't a big deal, you point out that it's such a big deal they even close the Baseball Hall of Fame. It's melody is sad and again brings out a sort of melancholy feeling that the season brings when you think back on the feelings that Christmas brought when you were young and how far away those feelings sometimes are.

"Christmas In the Trenches," John McCutcheon - I also heard this gem on the same "This Old Porch" show that brought me "Slippers With Wings". This is one of the most beautiful Christmas songs I've ever heard. It relates the oft-repeated real event from World War I in which British and German soldiers on opposite sides of a battlefield dug down in their trenches for the Christmas cease fire, played a soccer game and shared a Christmas Eve together sharing photos, songs and celebrations. Anchored musically by the traditional "Minstrel Boy," this song brings goosebumps as it interplays the peace of Christmas with the brutality of war. If you have the chance to hear this song, check it out.

"A Christmas Song," Jethro Tull - Did you know that Jethro Tull had a Christmas album? They did. Most of it is actually traditional Christmas instrumentals featuring lead singer Ian Anderson's incomprable flute playing. This one, however, is possible the most dour and depressing Christmas song of them all. The line "So when your stuffing yourself at the Christmas party/Don't mind me if I say go take a flying leap." Wow, doesn't that just make you feel all warm inside? It ends with Anderson slurring out "Hey Santa, can you pass the bottle?"

"River," Joni Mitchell - I love this song. Really. I love everything about it. I wish I had written it or anything even close to how great it is. This is not a traditional Christmas song, per se, but in other ways it is as it captures that feeling I keep coming back to of longing and melancholy that so often accompanies the holiday season. "It's coming on Christmas/There cutting down trees/They're putting up reindeer/And singing songs of joy and peace/Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on." (I'm even willing to forego criticism of the dangling preposition - THAT'S HOW GOOD THIS SONG IS!!!!!) This song brings me to long drives home from North Carolina to Syracuse, watching the green fields turn to white somewhere halfway through Virginia and then to grey as you reach New York where the snow is rarely white since it lies on the ground for so long. That feeling of anticipation you get along the way hoping to recapture that long ago feeling of Christmas magic, knowing full well that it will be met with disappointment as that part of you that existed when you were a child has died somewhere along the way. Thank you, Joni Mitchell. Thank you for creating a masterpiece and bottling a feeling as familiar as it is indescribable.

"All I Want For Christmas," Timbuk 3 - Known for their completely misunderstood hit "The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades" in the 80s which was actually adopted as an anthem by the same Wall Street Yuppie fascist scum about whom it was ridiculing, Timbuk 3 also wrote a very politically motivated and ironic (in the true sense, not the Alanis Morisette sense) song about war toys. The verses describe toys lying under a Christmas tree all of which are various shades of super violent "Machine gun eyes, rocket arms and missile toes," surrounding the chorus which says "All I want for Christmas is World Peace."

"Baby It's Cold Outside," Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone - OK, this one's not depressing at all, except for the fact that it features Leon Redbone. I got the unexpected chance to see Leon Redbone this year in Shelby. He has long been one of my favorite singers and is possibly the most low-key individual of all time. He was even once the subject of a Far Side cartoon which showed "The Leon Redbone Exercise Tape," with a slight man in a hat, bolo tie and sunglasses sitting on a stool saying "Cross your legs, 2, 3, 4..." A few years back there was an album done by Leon and Dr. John of Christmas songs. I remember Leon being interviewed saying that he preferred the sadder Christmas songs. That's what I love about this song. The intermingling of his voice with the lovely Miss Deschanel's (who I describe as the modern-day Peggy Lee) creates a warm and cozy feeling reminiscent of Christmas's past. The song is found on the soundtrack to the movie "Elf" in which Zooey Deschenel co-stars. As an aside, if you are looking for a great new Christmas album, check out "A Very She and Him Christmas" featuring songs by Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward.
"I'll Be Home For Christmas," Aimee Mann - This has become a traditional Christmas song, but is really one of the saddest holiday songs of all time. Written and released at the height of World War II, the song is written from the perspective of a GI overseas telling his family waiting for him at home that he'll be home for Christmas. The song is full of hope but ultimately full of sadness as its final line says "I'll be home for Christmas if only in my dreams." This version is perfectly delivered by Aimee Mann, whose almost fragile voice perfectly encompasses the longing and sadness of the song. The narrator of the song knows he won't see his family this Christmas and although it's not mentioned, ultimately doesn't know if he will see his family or another Christmas again. Another song as topical today as the day in which it was written.

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," Hem - Another traditional song that may not at first strike you as a sad Christmas song, but when you really listen to it, it is clear that it is a song of great sadness and longing. "Have yourself a merry little Christmas/Let your heart be light/From now on our troubles will be out of sight." As with the previous song, this was written during World War II and could represent the distance of family deployed overseas, or as I have always thought of it, a family suffering through the tumult of economic depression. "Here we are as in olden days/Happy golden days of yore/Faithful friends who are dear to us/Gather near to us once more." In this version, the band Hem who you may best know from the use of their songs in Liberty Mutual insurance commericials, lend their dramatic yet understated beauty to the song to perfectly capture what the song has always felt like to me. "Through the years we all will be together/If the fates allow/Hang a shining star upon the highest bow/And have yourself a merry little Christmas now."

Runners up: "Oy to the World" by No Doubt; "Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis" by Tom Waits; "Christmas in Capetown" by Randy Newman; "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch"; "2000 Miles" by the Pretenders; "Gabriel's Message" by Sting; "Same Old Lang Syne" by Dan Fogelberg.